too short for destiny

midnight

2009-05-08T03:07:00.000-07:00

I take cover
from the bullets
that do not penetrate
but destroy still.

Ice melts in the heat
but before they do
it burns flesh.

Silence burns,too.
Burns
Burns out

I take cover
from bullets
that do not penetrate
but kill
more

tonight.

when you know

2009-01-19T03:06:00.000-08:00

when you know that you do not need to ask
because you already have the answers

when you know that you do not need to answer
because the questions will never be asked

when you know that you do not need to ascertain
because there was nothing to begin with

when you know that you do not need to recall
because forgetting is easier

when you know that you do not need to forget
because you are seldom remembered

when you know that you do not need to say it
because you are not supposed to expect to hear it

when you know that you do not need to hear it
because it will never be said

when you know that you only have yourself to blame
because every one has told you from the start

it is going to be painful and hard
and you knew

oh yes, you knew
but still

you went ahead and leapt.

to say it

2009-01-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

maybe i need not always say it.

but i always mean it, you know.

maybe you have heard it enough
said in so many ways
said in so many moments

but i always mean it, you know.

maybe you have heard it too little,too
in the past
in the present
that it becomes alien
and weird

but i always mean it, you know.

but maybe i need not always say it.
but heck, i need to say it.

i just could not say it as often as i like
i'm too afraid
you would tire of it
you would tire of me

saying things

but i always mean it, you know.

every
single
time.

experiment

2008-12-18T02:59:00.000-08:00

like a stick

you turn
and twirl me
round and round
and round

yes, i get dizzy, too
you know

my heart is fragile, too
you know

i know
that you do it
not out of
spite nor malice

i know
that sometimes you are
too afraid

of the knowledge
of the power

that you wield
over guinea pigs

who know, fully well
that some experiments
can backfire
can fail
or can succeed in ways
we did not expect.

Guinea pigs may appear stupid
turning their little wheel
round and round

but they capture the attention
of even rocket scientists

and sometimes, just sometimes

may realize
guinea pigs have hearts
that can grow dizzy
that are fragile, too

and sometimes, just sometimes

may realize
that them, rocket scientists
have hearts,too

for guinea pigs.

for ate mai on her birthday

2008-11-29T00:13:00.000-08:00

we unlock ourselves.

ourselves

as creaky gates in the middle of the night
louder than they are during the day

as a watch becoming too tight
over time, over weight

as sealed envelopes delivered
with anticipation, with dread

as vaults in hidden drawers
cobwebbed and cherished

as small boxes with even smaller keys
full of childhood and secrets

as virtual lives and virtual egos
with codes and crypts and whispers

are peeked into
unclasped
pried
ripped
searched
sacked
hacked
unearthed

by powers
and principalities
by small gods
and big gods
by force
and by will

or by obeisance
and surrender

we unlock ourselves.

ourselves,
as only we can -

like tongue tasting rain.

-- November 29,2008
Quezon City

buntag

2008-11-26T00:55:00.000-08:00

kini ang nagpabilin -

inig human sa buntag nga magsugod sa alas otso
sa usa ka tingog
sa usa ka panghuy-ab;

inig labay sa duha, tulo ka oras
nga panagbaylo-ay
ug pulong
katawa
pahiyom
tutok
laway ug hikap
ginhawa
pamahaw;

inig ka upos sa duha, tulo, upat
ka stick sa sigarilyong pula
nga gikayohan sa lighter
nga hinuwaman
sa tindero o sa gwardiya;

inig balhin sa abog sa salog
nga pula usab ngadto
sa panit nga basa-basa
sa buhok nga way ligo
sa buko-buko
sa likod
sa tuhod
sa lapa-lapa
sa palad sa kamot
nga gitukod, gipang-himas;

inig ka hurot sa gininhawa
nga gipugngan, gitipon
sukad sa sinugdanan
sa panahon nga way kahumanan;

inig tingog sa kampana
sa cellphone
sa oras
nga hinulman, hinikaw
sa kalibutan
nga way laing bisyo
kung dili mamboso
sa bintana,
sa kalag

sa duha ka nilalang
nga ang kalipay
anaa lang
sa mga lugar
sa ilang handurawan;

kini ang mahabilin, ang nagpabilin -

ang padayon nga pagdagan sa oras
ug ang imong baho
sa akong kamot

daw hamog sa mga dahon.

i amuse myself

2008-11-24T03:15:00.000-08:00

yes, i took it. after only a few weeks of mulling over the idea in my head; a few days of talking about it with friends and loved ones; a few hours of bouncing the idea with a kindred spirit and a short talk with a helpful friend; a providential source a day before the deadline and a good morning the day of the deadline for application.

i then crammed and bought pencils the night before. went to church and slept early.

i took it last sunday.

and until now, for the life of me, i still cannot understand why i decided to do it.
for the life of me, i still cannot quite put a finger on what finally pushed me to make the move, to take the plunge.

maybe, it's better this way. at least, i won't have to trouble myself a lot about it (although from the looks of it, i am thinking about it).

well, they say we should not question when things happen, without you so much as lifting a finger. or in my case, without much deliberation.

i just went ahead and did it. whatever the result, it will be nothing short of providential -
a lesson, a sign, a prod towards a path that has been quite elusive for a long time.

for now, i am just amused at myself.

i swear

2008-11-17T03:08:00.000-08:00

if to be with you is to be a witness, i'll put my hand on the Bible and swear before man and beasts alike.

my life nowadays is taking shape around you - it may be a bad thing, but heck, i have never been happier in my life than in the fleeting moments, with you.

even when all that gets me through the day is the sound of your laugh, the crazy dance you make, your wistful smile, the way your hair takes shape these days. and oh, the touch of your hand.

they say we should not regret the times that we are happy.

i will be your witness and even if the world won't see it, you are beauty, always, always to me.

tachycardia

2008-10-29T03:06:00.000-07:00

there is a downside to knowing the past. especially yours. it makes me realize how naive, how little i know of life, of the world. and how much i do not know yet of your life, your world.

i so want to become part of your world.

yet, somehow, i am afraid to ask you the questions that float in my head before i go to sleep.
questions as, what really happened with her?
do you still love her?
do you really love me?
do i make you happy?

such questions, and more. oh, more...

but maybe, there is really a time for everything, including the time to ask, the time to know answers. even to questions that burn inside the mind, disturbing sleep, racing heartbeats --

to 100 beats/ minute.

i wonder

2008-10-29T02:49:00.000-07:00

I wonder how you see me every time I talk about my life, all 24 years of it.
i wonder how you felt when my random thoughts make its way into the conversations.

i wonder how you view my angst, my indecision, my sometimes superfluous ramblings and impassioned declarations and other times, hesitant opinions.

i wonder what you think about my past, my plans, my dreams, my fears, my loves.
i wonder what you think about my mistakes, my perceived notions of reality, my melodrama.

i wonder what you see when i look at you with eyes, brimming with emotions.
i wonder,

do you really see you me?

overdrive

2008-10-28T04:56:00.000-07:00

this i know: i fear.

of continuously loving you, even in the times that i know i should not devote to thinking and missing you.

yes, i still am afraid. i'm afraid of my own heart.

a heart that is slowly detaching itself from my chest to find its way to your open palm.
it beats, step by step, measure by measure, like a steady beating of a drum to you.

here i go again, not keeping my heart of sight. how do i not tell you? how can i?
i need a lesson in sobriety. or at least, in becoming less intoxicated of you.

maybe, this is me, taking each day as it comes.
i therefore bask in fearfully, continually cherishing the everyday.

christmas in october

2008-10-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

in the middle of the road
with lights on either side
we traverse
the path
full of fear
full of hesitation

you love me
i love you

neutral
first gear
second gear
forward, onward
journey

destination: unknowingly beautiful.

the trees on either side
whispered
and smiled.

Christmas is in our hearts.

my heart is still

2008-10-11T03:02:00.000-07:00

maybe it is time.
maybe now is the right time.
maybe now is the only time.
maybe because the past was not yet ripe for the picking, for the harvest.

you came at this time, this time of reckoning.
you are now, in my now
and there is no greater joy.

you are my now.

and time is standing still.
my heart is still, in the now

with you.

million-dollar question

2008-10-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

it is simple, actually. at the end of the day, the question, begging to be answered since sunrise, remains.

Do i really love you? But what is love, pray tell?

If it is waking up and retiring to bed with you as my first and last thought;
If it is silently offering a prayer to the universe as i make my way through the day;
If it is staring into space in the middle of work, wondering what you are doing -whether you've eaten or not;
If it is holding your hand and wishing i won't ever have to let go;
If it is holding your hand again and seeing to it that i won't hold on too tightly;
If it is looking at you in the dark, in the light, in undulating shadows and seeing you with eyes wide open;
If it is hearing your voice and hearing the rolling thunder in my heart at the same time;
If it is finding happiness in the most simple act of making you laugh and smile;
If it is finding peace in being beside you as the day slowly ends;
If it is seeing your face in my mind and a smile lingers on my lips even if there are more reasons not to;
If it is looking forward to the next day, the next moment, the next fleeting chance to be with you;
If it is realizing that you are a gift in my otherwise mundane life;
If it is realizing that my future now wants to include you;
If it is recognizing, even how fearfully, that i can lose and find myself in you, at the same time;

then, i do. love. you.

simply, honestly.

5 hours

2008-09-29T05:22:00.000-07:00

warmth seeped through layers
of clothing
and convention.

the dark wasn't so dark at all
it was just enough
to hold your hand
and hold it tight

as longing snaked
through my veins
like the snaking road
we followed
flowed before our eyes

in the dark, in the silence
of five hours
three hundred minutes
eighteen thousand seconds

and a single sigh,

i felt your warmth
and your hand
and for five hours
the world never felt more right.

I've never felt more safe.

-- September 29,2008

addiction

2008-09-21T01:48:00.000-07:00

You should come with the label: This substance may be harmful to your health.

Like genetically-modified organisms. Or pesticides and artificial preservatives. Or second-hand smoking and watching too much TV.

You are toxic that way. And totally unavoidable (unless if you try really, really hard to change your food, friends and lifestyle choices).

You are junk food in my hormonally-induced cravings. You are chocolate cake-ice cream-sundae combo. You are videoke/booze sessions with friends who amputate their hands and have it replaced it with microphones.

You are double-patty burgers and large fries and softdrink floats. You are lechon (from Cebu, of course). You are triple-scoop ice creams with chocolate dips. You are hot fudge and whipped cream. You are fresh prawns and fresh fish and soy sauce with calamansi. You are newly-picked buko, straight from the shells after a long walk.

You are tequila body shots. You are all-night gab fests with my favorite people. You are marathon DVD sessions. You are unlimited texting. You are all-you-can-eat buffets.

You are cheesy love songs and even cheesier love stories. You are cheap showbiz gossip and E!True Hollywood stories.

You are rare books in bargain prices. And size 6 and a half shoes (my size!) in discount stores.
You are oreo frapuccinos and homemade hot chocolate drinks and puto after dawn masses in December.

You are long weekends and holidays and paid vacations.

You are sunset-colored skies. You are fresh mountain breezes. You are weekend afternoon rains. You are payday Fridays and birthdays and Christmas mornings.

You are warm hugs and tight embraces. You are late-night kisses and morning greetings.
You are hand squeezes and stolen glances. You are adrenaline-induced flushes.

You are soft pillows and warm blankets on stormy nights. You are candle-light dinners and white sand beaches. You are wide smiles and deep-belly laughs.

You are addiction in its worse form-- there' s no cure available.
And i am your willing addict.

soaked

2008-09-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

it was the most natural thing in the world.

your skin on my skin
your hand on my hand
your breath on my face
your eyes on mine

it was the most natural thing to do:
to taste
to feel
to take what you offered
and gave what i have
been longing to give you --

as natural as the heavens
blessing the earth
with rain.

(and you smelled like newly-soaked earth,too.)

rain curtain

2008-09-11T03:45:00.000-07:00

the rains curtained off
two figures inside.

like splayed hands over eyes
raindrops trickle on glass
travelling their southern route
obeying laws of gravity

unlike temperatures
and heartbeats
defiant
and strong
going against tide,
opinion and norm.

it rained also inside
though raindrops did not trickle

they came in torrents,
in ever-spiraling
towers of liquid lava
in wave after wave
of molten magic.

the rain-curtain did not part
even as the show for two began
its act.

it blanketed and clothed
naked emotions
mirrored in misty eyes
and moist skin.

evanescent

2008-09-11T03:27:00.000-07:00

evanescent: (adj) fleeting

this is my word for the day. somehow, it depicts my current emotional state- with highs and lows so fleeting, i can't say for sure they even happened.

one day, i get to smile without apparent reason. the same day, i can't help but shed tears over a problem.

one night, i touch magic. that same night, i get crushed by reality.

one look and i walk on air, the next glance, i fall back to earth.

when will i be able to savor each experience? when will i be able to taste each moment - to be able to roll it on my tongue, chew and grind it into morsel until i slowly let it trickle down my throat?

when will i not want to skip on stones and immerse myself in the river?

when will i be able to freeze your face in my hands as you look at me in the light of the moon as if i'm the only one you see?

when can i hold your hand without having to let go?

silly old me

2008-08-28T22:07:00.000-07:00

i was laughing the whole time. and you asked me why.

i guess, i found it funny that after months of speculating the next time i would experience it again, i never expected to do it with you.

surprised? a bit.

disappointed? absolutely not.

but i was laughing like a silly school-girl on her first ride on the playground swing. i can't say for sure that it dampened the romantic atmosphere. i guess you were as surprised as i was.

so, we went on and on, breaking off only at the sign of cars and pedestrians approaching the normally deserted street.

and i was still giggling even after i looked back at you before you drove off into the night, taking the magic of the night with you.

and then i told you that the real thing was better than how i imagined it would be the first time i saw you.

sheesh.

i have never missed you like i missed you after that night.

After a while (my mantra)

2008-07-25T02:20:00.000-07:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

moon-stealer

2008-07-25T01:58:00.000-07:00

beauty knows no time, only inspiration.
luna magnifica, i call it.

in its waxing and waning,
in its form,
my eyes beheld my truth:
i ebb and flow with its power.

now, its outline
against the heavens mocks me;
its perfect seducing form
taunts me.

and my heart recognizes another truth:
beauty can be stolen, snatched
when it shines not from within.

yet, it shines, oh, it shines still
distant and cold,
offering no respite
for a longing soul.

it hangs in the sky - a waxing, waning, drawing power
One more truth: you took the full moon with you.

love verses for no one

2008-07-25T01:45:00.000-07:00

i miss you without complications,
without expectations.

i long for you in the most basic
and primal part of me.

i need you because when you came
into my life,

i realized
i am less alive without you.

realization

2008-07-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

realization,

you told me at one in the morning

it may not come for me
it may not find me
even after months and musings,

like a movie on television
so clear and sharp
it cuts through cold flesh,

like icy blasts of pain and regret
with maybe anger on the side.

you said
i would always need to justify
what i did to him
and why i did what i did.

but somehow, i think
it will arrive
or
i will arrive on its shores
eventually

realizing

things unravel because they do.

simply painful

2008-07-08T00:50:00.000-07:00

one foot out the door towards
free
fall

i told my best friend
when she asked

why do i think about you
so
much

why do i talk about you
why do i need to talk
about you
so
much

when your silence
says
it
all

it's simple:
you won't catch my
free
fall.

intertwined

2008-07-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

intertwined fingers
making intertwined circles
as they sway
among intertwined crowds
full of intertwined hearts
usually two;

now,
excluding you
excluding me.

causing
now-intertwined trails
of salty rivulets
on my cheeks.

bittersweet

2008-07-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

you should not be sorry. period.

i am never one who needs to be provoked. i feel what i feel when i feel it. i needed you the time that i needed a person who would bring back lost moments and forgotten emotions.

you have nothing to apologize for. i have no reason to accept your apology. i only needed the honesty and you gave me that, no matter how late or incomplete.

it was enough for me to know that you are still wracked with guilt (even if you might not be fully aware that you are). and your guilt mirrors my own though we are coping with it differently.

i thank you for everything that you represent in this period of my life. you are still joy and beauty. and now frailty - the kind that only one who knows how painful it is to love and find it absent after time has robbed it of its mystery. the kind of frailty in the face of a reality so tangible that it hits you so hard, you have to double over.

it was enough for me to know. and i do not resent you for what you did and for what you have decided to do. you know that i respect you too much to be scandalized by it.

you are my friend, first and last. you have a place in my heart already. and i seldom reserve or give away spaces, you know that.

i know you might not be able to read this now, but if you do, i hope by that time, you will be able to make peace with yourself already.

you are still my joy and i thank you for it.

of walking and missing you

2008-06-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

my feet were still dirty after wearing my blue slippers in the streets of the metro. i had barely caught my breath after walking ( in my slippers again) the newly-asphalted streets of my not-really-mine neighborhood. i still have to shower off the grit and grime of the suffocated city clinging to my skin after a short downpour of rain, exacerbating the humidity.

but you were always there - in my mind and in my hurried steps and in my labored breaths and in the dust on my skin.

you were always there - in the extended minutes of me missing you so much, i could not barely breathe.

must be due to the humidity, too...

exhilaration

2008-06-15T04:08:00.000-07:00

on the edge and about to jump
into unchartered lands
and unknown territories
with nothing but the past
as anchor.

there is much to say
and there is much to do
in the span of minutes
and ticking seconds
measuring into heartbeats
and exhalations
and inspirations.

why now, why you?
you came like a thief
in the night with a
knife slicing into
clean flesh
outpouring hidden
feelings and
buried desires.

armed with memories
and a smile like sunshine
you opened doors
and explored possibilities
i need not describe
into words
and labored breaths.

on the edge and about to jump
with no harness
and a promise of a free fall.

on the edge

and

about to

jump.

rediscovery

2008-06-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

there is no greater joy than rediscovery.

rediscovering the softness of sunlight streaming through a half-opened window. or the cool wind from the mango tree with its green, green leaves glinting like jades. or an old friendship, buried among cares and time and distance...

it was not intentional, really. we talked like before, though our words took on new forms. like a familiar touch in unfamiliar places. or a second look. or a connection never thought possible.

maybe, because you changed and i changed, too. maybe the things which kept the line clear for a long time suddenly presented opportunities, possibilities of something new...

whatever, i am finding joy in rediscovering you as i am rediscovering myself, too.

sa pag-abot sa buntag

2008-06-10T02:52:00.000-07:00

gi-kaon sa bakunawa
ang buwan nga milugwa
sa gabii nga
ikaw miabot
mihasmag sa baybayon
sa akong mga damgo.

wala ko makita dayon
ang imong kaanyag
diha sa kangitngit
ug sa kahilom.

diha na midangat
ang imong nawong
ug akong panahom
sa paghalok sa bidlisiw
sa adlaw sa imong panit

daw pinalangga
nga gihikap, gipukaw
gikan sa dugay na
nga paghikatulog

daw minahal
nga gidayan-dayanan
ug perlas sa iyang
paghigmata

daw hinigugma
nga gigakos
sa katahom ug kainit
sa pag-abot sa buntag.

miabot ang adlaw
ug midan-ag ikaw
sa akong kalibutan.

what a joke!

2008-06-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

jokingly
we say things
and pretend
we are amused.

we laughed till our sides
hurt and we cried
laughing tears

jokingly
we endear each other
with names
and phrases
and declarations
too funny
to be real.

jokingly
i would like to believe you
and tell you
jokingly

how i wish
it were true.

breakfast

2008-06-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

breakfast took on new form for me.

there was nothing unusual or extraordinary about it. the eggs were done the same way. i had my fried longganisa and you craved for corned beef (yet you did not finish it). i did not have coffee (never had, never will) while you had yours with cream. maybe the seats were more soft and the ambiance cooler and more comfortable compared to my plastic chair and the warm air at home. maybe it was a more posh breakfast than what i usually have - cereal and low fat milk and the occasional fruit.

really, it was basically breakfast. but maybe the presence of conversation and a few laughs and the fluctuating speed of my heartbeat transformed the simple meal into a trinket i am keeping safe right now. maybe it was the touch of your hand (even if it was just to emphasize a story). maybe it was the poem you read to me (the one you wrote last year) and the sound of our shared dialect. maybe it was the way you differentiated the different kinds of fermented drink (was it coconut or sugarcane?). and the images you sketched in my mind of your childhood and your life.

or maybe, it was the morning with the soft sun shining on your face and your voice and your stories that made the simple, basic meal into the most important part of my day.

rolling

2008-06-04T02:59:00.000-07:00

i could not be on a roll.

i am too burdened
too guilty
to roll with words
to roll with the punches
to roll in the hay
with god-knows who.

i could not be on a roll.

i am too stuffed with karmic debt
too tightly woven
too rolled to roll.

i could not be on a roll
even if that is the only way
i can sleep at night.

one sleepless night

2008-05-28T03:36:00.000-07:00

i want you with an intensity that scares me.
why this time? Why now?
you invade my being even in your absence.
denial is futile. my skin anticipates your touch and my lips quiver with longing.
every cell longs to surrender its defenses to your invasion.
i have no more power to resist.
i am yours and you possess me now.
even before you asked.

unsung

2008-05-28T03:28:00.001-07:00

The winds carry songs of the heart
with melodies blowing, lilting in the trees,
skipping over mountain tops and
billowing skirts and heartstrings.

My heart has only ears
for these songs.

I can only listen
with mute lips
and teary eyes
as they tug and pluck
strings of longing
made taut over time.

As you came and brought
the winds
and the songs
with you,

I can only listen.
(and you know how much i love to sing.)

miss independent

2008-05-23T03:29:00.000-07:00

(inspired by Kelly Clarkson...yeah!)

miss independent
miss i-don't-need-anyone
miss i-complete-me
miss never-say-die
miss independent

miss i-get-what-i-want
miss take-me-for-me
miss captain-of-my-soul
miss independent

miss mind-over-heart
miss two-feet-on-the-ground
miss equal opportunity
miss independent

miss logic-over-emotions
miss no-tears
miss no-frills

miss independently-absolutely-missing-you.

- May 23, '08

no way

2008-05-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

there is no easy
nor less painful way
to break somebody's heart.

if there is,
i would surely like
to know.

anybody?

after last night

2008-05-15T20:11:00.001-07:00

there is nothing to discuss, really.
there is nothing else
but the reality
of novel things
people
feelings.

Do I just miss you or need something else?
someone else?

Vulnerability cloaks itself in unutterable emotions.
No longer at ease (apologies to Achinua Achebe) with reason,
it hides behind distance and growing up.

Am i just lonely without you?
Or longing, with or without you?

There are risks and leaps too big to estimate
to measure
to weigh.

I don't want to know of something i've known
long before
before everything came loose.

It's too early to tell, the weatherman might say.
Clouds have barely gathered in the horizon
and rain may or may not be imminent.

Really, it's too early.

But the clock ticks and it ticks incessantly
And days pass by unnoticed - stark and poignant.

It sketches profiles and outlines into solid
coffee-colored
touchable things
reachable persons.

---May 3, 2008, 4 pm

down with the virus

2008-05-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

I like the idea of you
floating in my head
diving in my thoughts
and coming up for air
once in a while
in my waking hours.

You ebb and flow
with the multitude
of things to do
people to call
places to see
cares to worry about

Yet,every time a piece of you-
your eyes, the weight of your hands,
the sound of your voice -
creeps up and squeezes itself
out of these tight corners
and little cracks and crevices,
that single, fleeting instant
of electricity and impulse
crashes my system
and halts every motion,
every thought-process,
every rational fiber.

And it takes me more than
an instant--
to reboot and restart
my practical, reasonable self.

But still, i like the idea of you
constantly, incessantly
floating in my head.

Like a curious thought
Like a gnome in the garden
Like an iloveyou virus.

--May 7, 2008
Jollibee, Domestic Airport

GRAVITY

2008-05-15T20:02:00.001-07:00

You pull me in with a force familiar yet unknown. I need not understand it fully to know that you draw me towards you like a moth to a flame. You need not look at me across the room for me to turn my head and set my gaze on you. I read too much and too deeply to dismiss you even if i know i should dismiss you - your eyes that speak to me of a life that's full and lonely at the same time. I should dismiss you even if it pains me, even if the instant i bury your image along with all my cares, i search and dig the rubble and resurrect you again. I should ignore you with all my might for in such state, i am less vulnerable, less weak to the stirrings of awareness of you in my world.

The distance between us is a chasm i know i cannot, should not bridge. You have a life that has no need of me. You already have a lot that i know there is no lack that i can fill any more. I do not want to need you nor want you in any way. You have no need of me, that's for sure.

But, you pull me in and turn my world into turmoil. You spin me out of control and invade my dreams and every waking hour. You are danger and beauty. You torment me with a glance and I do not want to surrender to your power.

With all my mind I know that if I rebel with you it's going to be a war that i have to face. But with all my heart, I believe that it's a war that I am willing to face.

-- May 4, 2008

2008-05-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

first time

the smells were different
and not unlikeable

the sounds echo lost centuries
of passion and intimacy

you filled the outline
of longing
and sketched
profiles into tangible
reachable flesh.

i have only eyes
to tell you
i almost forgot
how it feels
to remember
the first time

i surrender to the night.